A day in the life of a fool. With a keyboard.

blink and youd have missed me

2005-10-16T19:18:00.000Z

ahh well, no sooner as im back, off i go.

possibly for good.

I feel i have to get off the net and into the real world.

Cya

Nealikins signing off

x x x

(you were great, and d'ya know what, so was I)

IM BACK!!!!

2005-10-15T02:16:00.000Z

This is a LONG OVERDUE update post, so bear with me.

Work has finished now, and i need a holiday, so if anyone can offer a free / cheap holiday, It would be appreciated.

Now back to me.
I'm back at uni now, so i am busy busy busy.

Me being the huge glorified geek i am, my project for this year is to make space invaders, lol.

However on the other front (love life), things arent that great, I thought i had something with someone. Turns out that love in my case, is a one way street. :(

Did have a rather cool photo taken of me t'other day. Here it is:

In other news I met up with my old friend liz, we had a good chat and it was overall a good afternoon.

I also gave into pressure from certain people, and made a MySpace page, dun dun dar!!!!!!!!!!

You can see it here

So meh. Thats It.

I should hopefully be getting contact lenses soon, expect an update about that next week.

A state of nihilistic lethargy

2005-07-24T16:39:00.000Z

At the moment, I feel strange.

It isnt depression. I think.

I just cant be bothered with anyone or anything.

This was compounded on friday, when as i got back to my car, i see some fucker in a hoodie, walking beside it scraping a key down it.

In retrospect shouting, OI!, wasnt the best idea as the bastard just took off. I had no hope in catching him.

I AM actually going down the gym now.

Then it took 4 hours yesterday of constanting T cutting to get the scratch out.

-grumble-

for contact lens or glasses

2005-07-02T18:55:00.000Z

What do you think is better

Companies, pink floyd and a reprieve

2005-07-02T18:21:00.000Z

Well while you wait for pink floyd to play so you can die happy

Do it for sir bob and be smexchy

also the posh language problem is solved, as yesterday vicky and 40 others got laid off.

So all i have to sort out now is my next project

(either gonna be called PH design or PH software)

Part apology, part cry for help

2005-06-30T18:36:00.000Z

After 1 year 3 months and 19 days ive finally cracked.

Yes Febuary 11th 2004 was the last day I had sex, 2 days before i got dumped.

The main problem is, im not even having fun being single.

My pick up skills would only be legendary if put in the books of the greatest 100 fuck ups of all time.

The main catalsyt is a girl i work with called Vicky Rogan (the really fucking hawwt one that you could melt butter on her stomach(jesus ive started again) well we had a proper chat today, and she has one of the most middle england posh voices ive ever heard ( one of my personal turn ons). After this I went into hormonal overload, acting like a cat on heat.

The problem is no sex and especially no phyisically love. Which may sound like bullshit, but i rate as more important.

Someone to care about you when your depressed is important.

FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!!!!!!

2005-06-28T19:41:00.000Z

Today I opened my hotmail inbox an literally got bombarded with spam emails of Russian porn samples.

Me Never rejecting a freebie, i had to look.

After the dust had settled i had collected quite a haul of free porn. (what is the point of a top shelf anymore?)

If you are really really curious i will post some of the more decent, non disturbed horde (that narrows it down GREATLY) at your request.

Your choice.

-goes back to sorting through mail-

Samples added below:

(she looks crazily similar to a girl i fancied the pants off in college)

Laughter is the best medicine

2005-06-27T18:15:00.000Z

Well yesterday i woke up and Felt like shit.

Thankfully i was dragged along to a Jimmy Carr gig

And i do mean dragged, i really didn't want to go.

Thank god at least one of my friends made me. (another was just after my ticket so her boyfriend could go, phyisically TALKING me out of going :rolleyes:)

I have never laughed so hard in my life, made me feel so much better.

In retrospect, staying out till 2.30, then getting up at 5.30 to go to work, is a bad idea.

I was so knacked, i couldnt be bothered to go to the gym.

That has to be some form of record, getting pissed off with going, BEFORE ive actually gone once.

Anywhey

-sleeps-

ZzZzZzZzZzZz

(and not in a cage)

I understand why people hate me, i hate me too

2005-06-25T23:47:00.000Z

Firstly im posting this just incase i mentally go over the edge overnight and do "something stupid" as they tend to call it.

Today i hit rock bottom. With a fucking hard thud.

This left me saying whats the fucking point.

Prior to posting this i just cannonballed 6 parectemols crushed, then put into glasses of Fosters.

While this may seem a stupid thing to do, who cares?

I certainly don't.

meh, someone justify my existance and get me out of here.

Nealikins signing off

I NEED A VACATION

2005-06-22T17:29:00.000Z

Its decided, having no holiday available at work sucks.

oh well. Im compensating by planning a holiday for just after i finish, to the sunniest of places, Somerset.

Just goota organise everything and book a hotel (lack of foresight regarding having no spare rooms Kayleigh)

Tho tbh ill pay it, just to get a break from my family, and talking to pensioners on the phone.

OH yeah and becuase the Nimbus rocks my socks.

Crazy women and dont forget to get out your plums

2005-06-21T18:56:00.000Z

Basically i had a blazing row with my friend Jean. Shes started a new job in a pub and ever since has been absolutely fucking MENTAL.

Basically, she blamed me because she booked the wrong day off work, then called me a liar.

Meh

Women

(except Kayleigh, shes lovley -hides fearing attack-)

Then theres the launch of a new video to promote men in the UK to check their balls for lump

(-actually listened to this bit in sex education, and is one of the few member of my peer group to do this exercise-)

Basically they enlisted Miss Slut UK, Rachel Stevens, demonstrating with a plum. But it will back fire, as i guarentee that men watching this video, with their trousers down at the time WONT be checking thier balls.

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/rachel-stevens-fruity.php?gobackto=home

Big Blog o Doom!!!!!

2005-06-20T20:35:00.000Z

Basically i missed a few days so im gonna ram them all into this post

Don't forget to blink

Saturday june 18th

Basically come about 4pm i felt like shit. And i me really, really badly.
To describe it, read the post below and think 3 times worse.

So Kayleigh suggested taking my mind off it by one of two ways.

a) getting rat arsed
b) cinema

As the cinema is cheaper and im so poor im using my student NUS card JUST to get £1 off on the ticket, i went to see Sin City.

Firstly it worked. The film was so epic and amazing I came out the theatre feeling better, dispite the high amount of dismemberment in the film (makes kill bill 1 jelous, that was 1 scene, this is the whole movie)

Elijah Wood was really scary, and only once was i expecting him to utter the words "sam-wise" in a west country accent. Man i gotta watch less LOTR.

So all in all, its a great film. Bruce Willis is back on the form he had with Die Hard in his role as an ageing cop.

IMHO if you can get in the 18 certificate, it's a must see! :D

Sunday June 19th

It's a Sad day when 10 people cant agree to build a wall.

But thats what happened in Indionapolis this weekend.

Compared to the Le Mans 24 hours, which as the name suggests runs for a whole day, the whole professional image of F1 turned into a huge farce.

Its a sad day for motor racing.

I have nothing more to say.

Monday June 20th

I had a life turning event today.

I for once stopped listening to my self destructive brain and listen to my heart.

And started chatting up unspeakably hot, head turning call centre temp girl.

And unlike I told myself, it didn't go tits up, she actually chatted to me.

The unamed is called Vicky and shes doing a law degree.

Unfortunatley she has a boyfriend, but I don't care, even having the courage to talk to her is a step foward in my books

sorry going mental

2005-06-17T21:43:00.000Z

Well last night, after an exhausting week at work i sat down and thought.

Whats the point?

Whats the point of anything in this aduous, meaningless life?

By this I mean, if life is such a chance, a 6 billion to one shot, why the fuck am i here.

I follow the school of thinking that everything must be fuctional and have a use, no matter how small, else its just pointless dead weight.

Now here is the crux of the problem for me. After thinking hard for an hour, I have no use.

-I do an arduous boring job that could be done by a carrot.
-I don't make anybody "feel" better.
-Even those close to me pass me by and act as if i don't exist.
-I'm no good at any form of sport.

So I can to the conculsion that i am a complete waste of oxygen, and if photosynthesis didn't exist i would have been culled long ago probably.

My spinelessness

2005-06-16T18:10:00.000Z

Alas my spine has lost. Again.

Ive been working in a call centre for a stockbrokers since monday. Yesterday a new girl started, and OMFG if you look at drop dead gorgeous in the dictonary it should say:
See her.

I say her, because i have no clue in hell what her name is, basically im too coward to even speak to her and ask her name

damm my lack of a backbone around women

Photoshop

2005-06-14T00:50:00.000Z

okay today I made some forum signatures for my Battlefield 2 clan

below are the 2 ive finished so far:

-is pretty pround-

now all i have to do is learn to draw and learn flash... and my plans for world dominations will be complete

Yay the chavs are wiping themselves out so sportingly

2005-06-12T07:08:00.000Z

If Darwin were writing "the Origin of the Species" today, he might well have included a chapter on the subhuman race, at are chavs (Councilestatus Scumbagus).

The continued existence of the chav species appears to depend on high breeding rates. Like baby frogs, the chavs face many threatsto their survival not experienced by other members of society, such as getting attacked and/or killed by other chavs in pointless street aggro, crashing a knackered Ford Sierra Cosworth into a flyover or falling off a council estate high-rise balcony while attempting to break into a flat whilst pissed / stoned off thier faces.

Thus it's important that chav numbers remain high to counter their high mortality rate (a side effect of their below average IQ), a strategy the chavs evidently accept, given the high rate of teenage pregnancy.

But this week yet another threat to the chavs was revealed. "Mobile phone chicken". In Tyneside (up near Newcastle), young charvers and chavettes have been playing chicken with trains, ie. loitering on railway lines and only jumping out of the way of trains at the last minute, and getting their idiot mates to video it on their phones.

The craze is thought to have been inspired by an American website that shows people playing mobile phone chicken, although given chavs' love of railways and the opportunities they offer in terms of vandalism / Graffiti easles, they may well have thought up the sport on their own.
Either way, arsing about on railway lines is extremely dangerous. As a police super intendant imaculatley put it:

"Someone is going to die."
Well, yes, no shit sherlock.

What's remarkable is that our cousins the chavs have managed to invent an utterly pointless activity to dispose of themselves like lemmings. So why are we trying to stop them?
It's almost as though they've decided to cull themselves, and in this spirit I thought it might be worth suggesting some other probably-fatal activities for them to film themselves doing...

1) Mobile phone SAS chicken

Chavs video each other approaching off-duty SAS soldiers in pubs in Hereford (home of the SAS) with one of the following comments:

- I bet you've been bummed by Iraqis - and enjoyed it!

- SAS. Does that stand for Special Arse Service?

- Andy Mcnab is a cock sucker.

2) Mobile phone flying chicken

Elegant in its simplicity, mobile phone flying simply involves chavs throwing themselves off tall buildings while their mates video them, laughing hysterically when they hit the ground.

3) Mobile phone jumbo jet chicken

Simple in the fact that its just Mobile phone train chicken, but bigger and with four very powerful fans

4) Mobile phone russian roulete chicken

Similar to normal russian roulete, except all six chanbers of the revolver are loaded. Everyones a winner!

5) Mobile phone substation watersports chicken

The problem with playing chicken with trains is that there's a slim possibility the chav will get out of the way in time, or not step on the live rail. This alternative is considerably more failsafe.
Gangs of chavs should break into electricity substations, brimming with exposed 400kV power supplies and start throwing buckets of water at each other.

New persona, and the revenge post

2005-06-11T10:10:00.000Z

Well somewhere between getting out of my bed and getting to the bathroom mirror yesterday, i must have had an epifinay without realising it.

Instead of reaching the mirror and been ready to stab my own eyes out without a toothbrush, just to prevent me seeing myself. However yesterday was different, and I did less procrastination, in the fact that I spent 35 minutes on the phone to a sky call centre, which is based in the deepest suburbs of Mumbai by the sounds of the people manning it.

After ordering multiroom i then went down to my local gym ( which is 2 minutes walk from my new work) and applied for membership (hopefully I can loose the flab).

I then started cleaning my room, untill i got a phone call from ANOTHER family friend who had fucked their PC. I was there till 2.30 am, hence why there was no post yesterday.

Now for my revenge

In light of Kayleighs huge article on bit training for her pony i have decided to post about induction kits, and why im saving for one.

Basically IC(internal combustion) engines work on the principle of creating small explosions in the cylinders (most cars have 4). The small explosion forces a piston downwards, that spins a crankshaft, which is connected to the wheels.

Now a little bit of phyics

Fire needs 3 items to burn. Fuel, Air and Heat. The fuel is provided by the injection nozzles pushing petrol into the cylinder heads at high pressure. Air from the air filter (basically used to get any crap like dirt out) is also pushed in, and finally a spark is created by pusing an electric current through the spark plug, which creates the fire. The four cylinders are then set off one by one, continitously moving the crank shaft round.

Now i want to purchase an induction kit. This Is the most cost effective way of increasing a cars power (measured in HP, or horse power, eqivilent to the pulling power of one pit horse). By creating a more efficent air filter (what induction kits are) the more "pure" air burns better, creating more power ( an average 20-40hp rise).

Good and bad news

2005-06-09T20:13:00.000Z

While searching through the BBCs news sight i found something that made me fall off my chair in laughter:
Funny, news

And very very bad news:
Tony Blair sucks

ill post later with some more relevant info

Nealikins inc.

2005-06-08T21:46:00.000Z

Well this afternoon I fixed a friend of my mums PC and to my total shock, i recieved £50 for my efforts. Wasnt bad considering they bro it in the first place by deleting the registry.

I think ive had so much time alone without doing stuff, that ive gotten myself to feel like shit again, so i cba to do much.

What a mong

2005-06-08T11:28:00.000Z

Basicallly in friday night I went of on the old booze up, After we got throw out of the pub, we staggered back to my friend jeans house where 3 hours later i fell asleep on her couch drunk, ill and alone.

After my friend ED (who is happy snappy) took some pictures. I realise with a mong i look like, the scary thing is, im like it while sober too :'(

After seeing these i thought FUCK IT. I need a beard. Problem is, my facial hair is crap. It grows to messy alkylike stubble, then no more. I want my MOFO geek beard!

So in a tantrum at 5 in the morning, i shaved it off. Man stubble rash kills.

The names Kins, Nealikins

2005-06-07T18:11:00.000Z

I want to kill Micheal Fish and destroy the weather machine he blantly built to avoid further embarassment after the great storm of 1987.

Basically hes been a bad boy.

Not only have Kayleigh got wet 7 time in a week, due to downpoors, Today it was soo sunny that it actually baked the soap into the paint as i was washing my car.

After driving it into the shade, it took 3 hours to soak off. GRRR

And i bet when i walk out tonight there will be a nice lump on pigeon shit on the window. Fucking rats with wings.

Reasons for my absence

2005-06-06T09:24:00.000Z

To be blunt, yesterday i was learning what my insides look like. I was sick. A lot.

However i'm fine today.

Fucking stupid crappy body.

Ill post later about what unexciting, boring shit i get up to.

A path! a path!

2005-06-04T12:11:00.000Z

just a quick update must dash now.

damm i make smexchy paths.

toodles

It makes you wanna kill them.

2005-05-30T23:15:00.000Z

As established this post im not exactly a great flirt with members of the opposite sex. Whats even worse is when all your friends are in relationships, and think it would be great for you to be in one too. To the extent of my friend Jean rearanging my wardrobe in some shitty "what not to wear" parody (using my money lets not forget), then dragging me round 3 pubs in one night, vainly attempting to set me up with their friends/ random people (exceedly tacky, desperate and a fecking disaster waiting to happen), and to make things even worse I cant drink because im the only one with a car.

I mean don't get me wrong, its not that im not a relationship person, infact im usually less depressed when im in one, but most tend to fail miserably leaving me in a worse state than i began.

As i was told recently by an old friend:

"Neal you're the type of person I see myself marrying in a few years, not going out with now"

-sigh-

I guess shes right and ill just have to wait.

To teh nealikins mobile!!!!

2005-05-28T14:52:00.000Z

The new nealikins mobile is here:

Now all i need is a side kick

-hunts one down-

MISTAKEEEEE!!

2005-05-26T20:03:00.000Z

Okay the reason for the title is a strange one. Whenever I feel like I’ve made a really big fuck up life wise I get a vision of Pavarotti in my head, singing mistake loudly for about 20 seconds. This vision was revisited today when I bumped into someone from my past. The dreaded EX. What’s even worse is when you bump into them, after you ended the relationship, because you cant even hold the moral high ground, and imagine sticking needles into a voodoo doll of said person. The person I bumped into, as usual, asked me out (for those who have never met me, I have shit self confidence, and whenever I go to ask a girl out a little voice inside my head snarls

"Why would she ever go out with you, you ugly waste of a backbone!”

One day ill kill my conscience), the time we had together was great, but I called the relationship off because of one thing, that at the time freaked me out. When ether I, or anyone around her for that matter, said, "Bless you" after anybody sneezed (usually her, she had hay fever) she would clap three times. The first mistake I made was the dumbest of questions:

"Why do you clap three times?”

Yep, I HAD to ask it didn’t I! Her reply threw me back and brought on a Pavarotti moment.
It was:

"Every time you say Bless You!, a Fairy Dies, Clap three times and it comes back to life!"

Needless to say this FREAKED me out completely and relationship was over within a week.
Damm Pavarotti making me paranoid.

(I told my friends this story; they now clap three times just to piss me off -roll eyes-)

She was okay about it (and yes I did confess as to the real reason why, and she is still doing it) and had her new boyfriend. He must be so dependable.

He has a scooter (or should I say a food mixer on 2 wheels), and a hoodie

The moral of this post, be a strange odd ball, you attract strange odd balls.
Be a spineless coward, you attract even less strange odd balls.

Its an excuse, Honest

2005-05-25T18:57:00.000Z

The reason for the lack of updates, is that im modifying the HTML code for my Blogger page,ill let you know when its ready.

Happy Nealikins

2005-05-23T17:13:00.000Z

Nealikins has hes new car.

:D

Im picking it up on saturday, pictures to follow.

The car is rather smexchy (in order to compensate my unsmexchyness)

ill

2005-05-19T21:23:00.000Z

Right now i contantly have a splitting headache and feel tired all day no matter how much sleep ive had. Therfore this blog will be short.

Told ya

Stress levels and the number 3

2005-05-18T13:45:00.000Z

Oh how fun stress is. I’m posting this, having just finished a 3-hour mathematics for computing exam and now my brain is consequently mush. Add to this the fact that this is the third of four 3-hour exams I have to do, and the fact that I’ve been searching round for not just 1 new car, but 3.

Yes 3.

And before you ask, they are not all for the Nealikins. I’m not rich enough to be THAT much of a petrol head. YET.

Of said 3 cars I’ve currently found 2. Only my new one left to find (see I’m so selfless).

As soon as I do find said car I will post pictures of it here, along with myugly mug for you car lovers to oogle at.

Operation Decapitated Weasel

2005-05-09T22:28:00.000Z

After sitting through a mind numbing 3 hour E-Business exam today, i realised that my short term memory is so poor (surprisingly my long term memory is great :S), when i couldnt think back as to what i did last wednesday.

To remedy this I have announced operation Decapitated Weasel, the follow up to Operation Squirrel eating a 12 inch chip. This basically means that every night that im at my computer im going to summarise the days events, (mainly whats the point of having a blog and not blogging, and the fact that im tight and its cheaper than buying a diary.)

My Self Esteem

2005-04-10T14:57:00.000Z

at the moment is what we call......non-existent.

I can mostly blame this on my random spats of insomnia. The main crux of the problem is that while I’m awake at 4 am there is actually sweet fuck all that I can do, so I end up demoralising myself in my own head. Now take this activity and rinse and repeat 3 times, and you can begin to understand why I have the happiness, confidence and charisma of a charted accountant.

In other news daemons were driven today from a pig in Chester.

Technical Fuck ups

2005-03-05T15:28:00.000Z

This really isnt Nealikins week is it?

Usually i thrive on technology, and can make anything work with a little bit of effort.

This week however has been an exception. At both work and on my radio show (link to website), as soon as i touch something it breaks. Especially hard disks.

The reason I havent bloged in a while is really down to bone idle lazyness. I decided to do something about it after i noticed them putting a new poster up on the bill board across the street from where I work. Its an advert for Wanadoo internet and it reads:

"Procrastination, is the root of all evil."

Therefore i have decided to craft Kayleigh a huge Thwacking stick, to give me a kick up the arse/ blow round the head or even worse a thawcking stick to the balls at 55 MPH to get in gear.

Personally im so scared of the Somerset dweller with the stick O'Doom, that ive now gone into hyperactive top gear mode.

Wish me luck.

-Cowers from the wrath of the almighty Kayleigh-

positive Nealikins

2005-02-14T22:30:00.000Z

After hearing the same peice of advice for 3 seperate sources (that have never met). I have decided to throw away the grumpy bastard dementor, stop sitting in a big pool of self loathing, be less of a tit with no confidence or self esteem and cheer the fuck up.

Thus Positive Nealikins is lauched with 50% less self hatred, 100% more positive thoughts, and a full 600% more road rage.

we will see how i fare next monday.

Oh and from this im now writing a short story and a screen play for a flash based sitcom.

ill keep ya updated

The axis of evil

2005-02-12T12:53:00.000Z

Should have 2 more members. Tequilla, which brings on stupid bets, and vodka, the anti water. (only people that have seen Doctor Strangelove will understand that joke).

The reason im writing this converstion now is the vodka is JUST about wearing off.

For the non sad know it all there is 3 types of Vodka:

- Weak shit (Smirnov, Vladivar) 37.5% ABV
- Normal Vodka (Anything from Russia that ISN'T paint stripper) 40.0% ABV
-"Military Strength" (Kalishkinov Vodka) 41.0% ABV

Now bear in mind me and my friends were drinking the "weak shit vodka", we was well past rat arsed, almost to the point of paralysis.

The conclusion on this pointless post, you now know a pointless aclhohol fact, and that vodka is evil.

-Falls over and pukes-

TCP/IP is as fun as a labotomy

2005-02-10T16:48:00.000Z

Im sitting here in a lecture on TCP/IP, bored shitless, looking round at the people in the lecture theatre thinking....................DIE!, die now you dumb bastards.

If i hear another one of them repeat EXACTLY what the lecturer said WORD FOR WORD 20 seconds later im gonna beat them to death with my laptop, or alternatively a big book of knowledge, just to add insult to injury / knock some sense into them, literally and phyisically.

One more day to go then i get a week away from the retards. \0/

ill probaly write more later.

Ill write one line for every deserved brit award, and take one off for every undeserved brit award. then we will know if they have stopped them being a manufactured pile o shit.

Time for a longer post?

2005-02-09T23:30:00.000Z

This post is an outcome of a conversation with Kayleigh in which the evil Jesus look alike (except the beard) called me lazy.

Therefore i have endevored to bored her to sleep in her crappy NHS bed, because to be blunt, anyone whos ever laid in one knows ita about as comftable as a concrete slab decorated with spikes tipped in cyanide, so bless, she aint getting a lot of sleep.

Well firstly BT got back to me, But the information they gave me was about as useful as a swift kick to the testicles using jesters boots that are metal.

Meh

Ill finish it next week, as its a "reading" (more like Doss) week, as lets face it the happiest thing Nealikins does on Valentines is read a text book on the enlightening topic of TCP/IP.

Well time to go to bed now, as i have to learn more uninteresting facts about the Internet in a lecture tomorrow morning.

Cya
Nealkins

Btw Kayleigh this took an hour of my time,
so feel appreciated :P

Bored

2005-02-09T13:25:00.000Z

Okay so finally time to post something while im sitting here waiting for a response from Virgin atlantic and British Telecom for my E Business assignment.

I recomend that everyone goes to http://www.amateurtransplants.com and look at the tracks you can download for the listen page. Tip if your in a crowded place, put head phones in before you listen to the track "London Underground" as if features some "colourfull" language. Ive bought the album as all the money goes to charity (Macmillian Cancer care if you were wondering), just waiting for it to arrive.

Im still waiting for BT and Virgin to get in contact, and i have the feeling itll be some time..........

Looks like im right.

BTW get well soon Kayliegh!

What the hell am i doing

2005-02-08T15:27:00.000Z

i have no idea what possessed me to share my boring mundane life with the internet subscibing planet, but what the fuck. Its probably becuase Kayleigh threatened to kill me if i didnt make one.

Ill write something here as soon as something interesting happens.

This could take some time.............